Still sober after all these days...

Today I am grateful to be sober - 18 days today. I like my new gig at Apple - same company but a different management job. It really takes my mind off my life at home, which isn't so great. Sarah and I have agreed to stay where we are and see how things play out. It is hard but I really have no choice - I love her so much.

I am working on a new list of things I am powerless over (other than alcohol) - one of them being her feelings for Kenny and what happens to us. I feel relief when I give that to God, because there really is nothing I can do about it. I need that peace. So here is what I have so far - with the text of Step One to start me off:

Part 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
Part 2. Our lives had become unmanageable.

1. Smoking - ugh
2. Anything regarding Kenny
3. Sarah's feelings (or lackthereof) for me
4. The weather
5. My feelings - I can only have power over my reactions and get my ass to a meeting ASAP

In many ways, I am so tired of living in fear. This last few weeks has been excruciatingly lonely. The most difficult part is that the couple of times I have tried to leave, my heart just breaks and I stay - that may not be the best thing for either Sarah or myself. It feels like a death to leave this place.

I talked in therapy a long time yesterday about how I want to run - so far away that no one can find me. I could go work in California or Cork, Ireland. I would talk to work folks and my family but no one else. I dream about it sometimes - the problems is I always have to come home to me. Me = memories.

It's hard to be with Sarah at night - wanting to hold her and be held and touched but feeling wrong to ask. She spends time with Kenny - they are buds - I wonder what she says about me and what he advises. Also she says she got supportive emails from some mutual friends. I am sure my drinking was the reason for the outreach of support but her "situation" with Kenny was not mentioned. It makes me angry but I'll take the blame. I'll just take the blame and keep going...

I am very tired today - I'll write more later and give Joan and Rebel a call...

New digs...

I moved over to Dina's and Jason's house on Monday night - it's empty because they are going to start work on it in April. They're renting a little house now. It's lonely there but I am sober, smoking cigarettes and watching a lot of TV. I didn't hear from Sarah until late last night to say she was out with friends and wanted to know if I wanted to come out. I told her "no" and that if she was with Kenny, we were over. The reason for that is that this "time away" is supposed to be for her - she is supposed to take a break from Kenny and me.

She called crying and said she was out with many workfriends, including Kenny. I told her it's over - I can't live like this. She said she cannot believe I am doing this and that most people would understand her needing to take a break after my relapses and distance from her.

I asked her if she wanted to be with me. She said she wants to be happy with me. So I went home and spent the night - just slept in our bed with her and thought we had reached an agreement that I would come home and we would start working on us. I got up this morning and she was distant. I asked if I should stay at Dina's/Jason's and she said "maybe." Then later she said she was thinking about moving to Portland for school and that I would stay behind - there is no point in uprooting us. She could have "Sarah" time.

I thought I knew what it was to hurt but I have never been in anything like this. I miss Sarah so much - her skin, her scent, her hair. I miss her gestures and smiles. I... just miss.

I hurt and I miss my home. I know I need to give her time but I also want to be good to myself. I honestly don't know what to do. I am afraid she'll never tell me it's over and I'll wait and pine. I pray a lot for peace for us both. I'll keep doing that.

More later...

Keep on keeping on...

I am 6 days sober today and grateful. I have also lost about 5lbs from stress - not eating and smoking cigarettes. Sarah and I spent last night at home - she worked until about 9:00pm and we talked a little. Mostly we laughed and remembered old times. We've talked about the realism that we aren't the people we were three years ago when we spent our first days doing nothing but making love and dreaming. Like she said, "so much has happened since then - it feels like a lifetime ago."

I know I have a place at Alan's house - and I shopped a bit for futons online yesterday. I miss her even though she's in my arms - that is the strangest feeling I know. I cry at the most inoportune times then feel peaceful at others. I have my appointment with my therapist today at noon and will spill all of this again.

I dread waking up because I feel like I am wallking in a dream. What I want from Sarah is what she's wanted from me this entire time - to take me in her arms, tell me she loves me and that she'll never leave me. She can't do that and said so. I understand that. It just takes time.

More later...

Doing ok...

The last week has taken YEARS off my life - ha. Sarah came home late from going out and I told her I drank. She left and said she was going to stay with our friend, Dina for the night. I didn't hear from her most of the next day and went to get a hotel room. Turns out she stayed the night with a co-worker she's been interested in for a while. I asked if anything happened - it did.

She assured me that she won't put herself in a situation that would "disrespect" me again. Kenny (the co-worker) is pretty much in love with her and I think he's a good guy. She said she is attracted to him and in another time could maybe be with him. But we go from me leaving to staying to leaving again - in between there is horrid amounts of crying.

Some things I understand: that everytime I drank she felt alone and in between I pushed her away. I withdrew and just kept thinking I would feel better, which I didn't. I realize now I was stressing Friday about she and Kenny - she had told me she was going out with workfriends for drinks. I am so stupid to have slipped over it - but here we are.

Last week one night she left her car at work after going out for an official work function - she got in about 2am from drinking with friends, including Kenny. He came to pick her up and take her to work the next morning. I saw them together standing and they make a beautiful couple - ha. They really do...

I talked to my best friend, Alan last night and I can stay in his junk room. I'd need to buy a futon to sleep on but I figure I'll need one for the move out anyway. It hurts and it will for a long time but I know we've had such a bad time for so long. And now I am obsessed with Sarah and Kenny and what they did, his hands on her, etc.

Her friend Dina feels we should split too and I think she's right. I don't see getting past this for me - and maybe it's time to cut our so-called losses. I read stuff online about people getting over infidelity but I don't know if I ever will. And I don't plan to ever be with anyone again - I am terrified of this happening again.

Tonight I am going to a good meeting and telling of my relapse. I pray a lot too - I cried as I tried to fall asleep on the futon last night and begged God to remove this pain. I know he will with the gift of time :)

More later...

4 months gone...

I drank today. I am feeling really down - I called Joan, my sponsor. I just did it and had grand fantasies of being able to drink from now on. Ridiculous. I will pray and get back on my program. Tomorrow is the women's meeting and I'll say what I did. I am so ashamed but I hope God can forgive me.

More later.

Monday..... ugh.

So I had a cigarette last night at the Alumni meeting for my treatment center. I am not disappointed quite as much as that as how much I felt I NEEDED it :( That worries me. I think it's simply the association with AA that makes it hard. Well - maybe not - Sarah and I were at a coffee shop yesterday (she was working on Yoga homework, me on my 4th Step) and they sell raw tobacco you can use to roll your own. I wanted one so bad to go with my coffee. Ugh - this is about as hard as white-knuckling sobriety.

Which leads to me an epiphany - I need to work my steps to tackle this smoking deal! Duh, huh? I'll get started today :)

My friend Rebel called and left me a message to call her Saturday, which I did on Sunday morning. She didn't call back and I heard at the meeting last night she had relapsed but was back on the program, having talked with her sponsor the next day. My concern is that she was supposed to speak last night and didn't show. I'll call her today and voice my support - she just needs to get right back on it. I think she knows that already...

I am excited about Portland in the fall but really worried about money. I need to pay off my bills and am not sure how to do it in time. Because I am a recovering alcoholic, I can't qualify for any PPD studies in town.

More in a bit - more coffee for now!

Thursday Morning Coming Down...

Today I feel wonderful :) I am up early, having my coffee and blogging a bit before work. I talked to Joan for a while last night and she is doing well - she got the job she wanted and has been plugging away at that. Now that that holidays are over, I'll be calling her every day just to check in with her - it always makes my day. We'll meet on Sunday as usual and I'll go to the alumni meeting Sunday and see my friends.

I think I'll take Sarah for coffee Saturday so she can work on yoga homework and I can get going on my 4th step. I honestly don't dread it like lots do - I am looking forward to the "purging" of my past. I long to feel clean.

OH and I haven't smoked in over a week! Well - almost ;) I cheated and had one but other than that, none! I feel so peaceful - I can't believe it. There is a lot of research about cigs and recovering alcoholics - some say that they make you crave alcohol more - in my case, I believe it. I had cravings the last few months or so but none since then! A lady at my Saturday meeting went to a smoking cessation conference and was told "you aren't sober until you've quit smoking." I don't really buy that but I know I do feel better - and that's all that really matters :)

The Cowboys play Seattle this week for advancement to the playoffs - I am cooking some burgers (no buns) and grilled veggies for the game. Sarah will read or do something else while eating good food and letting me watch. She rocks!

So off to work in a bit - I hope to do more resumé research today on Monster and get mine started. There are some really promising leads for Portland. I feel good about it.

More later...