Steady as she goes...

February 25, 2007

2007-02-25T13:06:00.001-08:00

I have a bit of a "Debbie Downer" post today. It's beautiful and sunny here in Austin and I have spent most of the day working and crying. I spent most of the day with Sarah yesterday and left suddenly last night to come back here. I sent her a message this morning that I cannot deal with her friendship with Kenny after what has happened. They go to movies in mixed groups and drinks and dinners.

I have to have some pride and I feel so devasted and hurt that I need to limp away. I told her I cannot see her for a while. My boss/friend, Mike, says that time will heal this and when I least expect it, might meet someone and forget all of this. He says the heart is miraculous that way - you forget all the nonsense you have right now (you have it and need it to protect you right now). In the meantime, my job is to heal and spend time alone. I am not to give up hope on love, although I don't feel I will ever do that again.

My heart is so broken and I am so lost. I am not a communicator and am bad in relationships but I have cried the last couple of months enough for the rest of my life. I don't even think about drinking - I am so destroyed that it's hard to make it through the day, so I guess that is a blessing.

I have hope that the pain will subside. I don't care about ever being with anyone again - in fact, if someone came close to me now I would want to hit them. It hurts that bad.

Good luck, Sarah and Kenny and fuck you.

Stacy.

February 25, 2007

2007-02-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

I have a bit of a "Debbie Downer" post today. It's beautiful and sunny here in Austin and I have spent most of the day working and crying. I spent most of the day with Sarah yesterday and left suddenly last night to come back here. I sent her a message this morning that I cannot deal with her friendship with Kenny after what has happened. They go to movies in mixed groups and drinks and dinners.

I have to have some pride and I feel so devasted and hurt that I need to limp away. I told her I cannot see her for a while. My boss/friend, Mike, says that time will heal this and when I least expect it, might meet someone and forget all of this. He says the heart is miraculous that way - you forget all the nonsence you have right now (you have it and need it to protect you right now).

My heart is so broken and I am so lost. I am not a communicator and am bad in relationships but I have cried the last couple of months enough for the rest of my life. I don't even think about drinking - I am so destroyed that it's hard to make it through the day, so I guess that is a blessing.

I have hope that the pain will subside. I don't care about ever being with anyone again - in fact, if someone came close to me now I would want to hit them. It hurts that bad.

Good luck, Sarah and Kenny and fuck you.

Stacy.

February 15, 2007

2007-02-15T04:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since my last post and so much has happened. I am moving to a new apartment tomorrow and will be taking Milo the dingo and Tecate the cat with me in the next month. Sarah is staying here a bit then moving to her own place as well. The idea is that we work on ourselves and take that time to figure out what we want/need - all the while "dating" each other. Although the idea is very romantic, and most likely what we need to comfort ourselves, I am not sure how it will work....

I am excited about devoting my life to meetings/my program and work. Work has been a great refuge these days and for that I am incredibly grateful. More later - hopefully the next blog will be sent from my new home! :)

Still sober after all these days...

2007-01-30T06:08:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful to be sober - 18 days today. I like my new gig at Apple - same company but a different management job. It really takes my mind off my life at home, which isn't so great. Sarah and I have agreed to stay where we are and see how things play out. It is hard but I really have no choice - I love her so much.

I am working on a new list of things I am powerless over (other than alcohol) - one of them being her feelings for Kenny and what happens to us. I feel relief when I give that to God, because there really is nothing I can do about it. I need that peace. So here is what I have so far - with the text of Step One to start me off:

Part 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
Part 2. Our lives had become unmanageable.

1. Smoking - ugh
2. Anything regarding Kenny
3. Sarah's feelings (or lackthereof) for me
4. The weather
5. My feelings - I can only have power over my reactions and get my ass to a meeting ASAP

In many ways, I am so tired of living in fear. This last few weeks has been excruciatingly lonely. The most difficult part is that the couple of times I have tried to leave, my heart just breaks and I stay - that may not be the best thing for either Sarah or myself. It feels like a death to leave this place.

I talked in therapy a long time yesterday about how I want to run - so far away that no one can find me. I could go work in California or Cork, Ireland. I would talk to work folks and my family but no one else. I dream about it sometimes - the problems is I always have to come home to me. Me = memories.

It's hard to be with Sarah at night - wanting to hold her and be held and touched but feeling wrong to ask. She spends time with Kenny - they are buds - I wonder what she says about me and what he advises. Also she says she got supportive emails from some mutual friends. I am sure my drinking was the reason for the outreach of support but her "situation" with Kenny was not mentioned. It makes me angry but I'll take the blame. I'll just take the blame and keep going...

I am very tired today - I'll write more later and give Joan and Rebel a call...

New digs...

2007-01-24T11:16:00.000-08:00

I moved over to Dina's and Jason's house on Monday night - it's empty because they are going to start work on it in April. They're renting a little house now. It's lonely there but I am sober, smoking cigarettes and watching a lot of TV. I didn't hear from Sarah until late last night to say she was out with friends and wanted to know if I wanted to come out. I told her "no" and that if she was with Kenny, we were over. The reason for that is that this "time away" is supposed to be for her - she is supposed to take a break from Kenny and me.

She called crying and said she was out with many workfriends, including Kenny. I told her it's over - I can't live like this. She said she cannot believe I am doing this and that most people would understand her needing to take a break after my relapses and distance from her.

I asked her if she wanted to be with me. She said she wants to be happy with me. So I went home and spent the night - just slept in our bed with her and thought we had reached an agreement that I would come home and we would start working on us. I got up this morning and she was distant. I asked if I should stay at Dina's/Jason's and she said "maybe." Then later she said she was thinking about moving to Portland for school and that I would stay behind - there is no point in uprooting us. She could have "Sarah" time.

I thought I knew what it was to hurt but I have never been in anything like this. I miss Sarah so much - her skin, her scent, her hair. I miss her gestures and smiles. I... just miss.

I hurt and I miss my home. I know I need to give her time but I also want to be good to myself. I honestly don't know what to do. I am afraid she'll never tell me it's over and I'll wait and pine. I pray a lot for peace for us both. I'll keep doing that.

More later...

Keep on keeping on...

2007-01-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am 6 days sober today and grateful. I have also lost about 5lbs from stress - not eating and smoking cigarettes. Sarah and I spent last night at home - she worked until about 9:00pm and we talked a little. Mostly we laughed and remembered old times. We've talked about the realism that we aren't the people we were three years ago when we spent our first days doing nothing but making love and dreaming. Like she said, "so much has happened since then - it feels like a lifetime ago."

I know I have a place at Alan's house - and I shopped a bit for futons online yesterday. I miss her even though she's in my arms - that is the strangest feeling I know. I cry at the most inoportune times then feel peaceful at others. I have my appointment with my therapist today at noon and will spill all of this again.

I dread waking up because I feel like I am wallking in a dream. What I want from Sarah is what she's wanted from me this entire time - to take me in her arms, tell me she loves me and that she'll never leave me. She can't do that and said so. I understand that. It just takes time.

More later...

Doing ok...

2007-01-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

The last week has taken YEARS off my life - ha. Sarah came home late from going out and I told her I drank. She left and said she was going to stay with our friend, Dina for the night. I didn't hear from her most of the next day and went to get a hotel room. Turns out she stayed the night with a co-worker she's been interested in for a while. I asked if anything happened - it did.

She assured me that she won't put herself in a situation that would "disrespect" me again. Kenny (the co-worker) is pretty much in love with her and I think he's a good guy. She said she is attracted to him and in another time could maybe be with him. But we go from me leaving to staying to leaving again - in between there is horrid amounts of crying.

Some things I understand: that everytime I drank she felt alone and in between I pushed her away. I withdrew and just kept thinking I would feel better, which I didn't. I realize now I was stressing Friday about she and Kenny - she had told me she was going out with workfriends for drinks. I am so stupid to have slipped over it - but here we are.

Last week one night she left her car at work after going out for an official work function - she got in about 2am from drinking with friends, including Kenny. He came to pick her up and take her to work the next morning. I saw them together standing and they make a beautiful couple - ha. They really do...

I talked to my best friend, Alan last night and I can stay in his junk room. I'd need to buy a futon to sleep on but I figure I'll need one for the move out anyway. It hurts and it will for a long time but I know we've had such a bad time for so long. And now I am obsessed with Sarah and Kenny and what they did, his hands on her, etc.

Her friend Dina feels we should split too and I think she's right. I don't see getting past this for me - and maybe it's time to cut our so-called losses. I read stuff online about people getting over infidelity but I don't know if I ever will. And I don't plan to ever be with anyone again - I am terrified of this happening again.

Tonight I am going to a good meeting and telling of my relapse. I pray a lot too - I cried as I tried to fall asleep on the futon last night and begged God to remove this pain. I know he will with the gift of time :)

More later...

4 months gone...

2007-01-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

I drank today. I am feeling really down - I called Joan, my sponsor. I just did it and had grand fantasies of being able to drink from now on. Ridiculous. I will pray and get back on my program. Tomorrow is the women's meeting and I'll say what I did. I am so ashamed but I hope God can forgive me.

More later.

Monday..... ugh.

2007-01-08T05:15:00.000-08:00

So I had a cigarette last night at the Alumni meeting for my treatment center. I am not disappointed quite as much as that as how much I felt I NEEDED it :( That worries me. I think it's simply the association with AA that makes it hard. Well - maybe not - Sarah and I were at a coffee shop yesterday (she was working on Yoga homework, me on my 4th Step) and they sell raw tobacco you can use to roll your own. I wanted one so bad to go with my coffee. Ugh - this is about as hard as white-knuckling sobriety.

Which leads to me an epiphany - I need to work my steps to tackle this smoking deal! Duh, huh? I'll get started today :)

My friend Rebel called and left me a message to call her Saturday, which I did on Sunday morning. She didn't call back and I heard at the meeting last night she had relapsed but was back on the program, having talked with her sponsor the next day. My concern is that she was supposed to speak last night and didn't show. I'll call her today and voice my support - she just needs to get right back on it. I think she knows that already...

I am excited about Portland in the fall but really worried about money. I need to pay off my bills and am not sure how to do it in time. Because I am a recovering alcoholic, I can't qualify for any PPD studies in town.

More in a bit - more coffee for now!

Thursday Morning Coming Down...

2007-01-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today I feel wonderful :) I am up early, having my coffee and blogging a bit before work. I talked to Joan for a while last night and she is doing well - she got the job she wanted and has been plugging away at that. Now that that holidays are over, I'll be calling her every day just to check in with her - it always makes my day. We'll meet on Sunday as usual and I'll go to the alumni meeting Sunday and see my friends.

I think I'll take Sarah for coffee Saturday so she can work on yoga homework and I can get going on my 4th step. I honestly don't dread it like lots do - I am looking forward to the "purging" of my past. I long to feel clean.

OH and I haven't smoked in over a week! Well - almost ;) I cheated and had one but other than that, none! I feel so peaceful - I can't believe it. There is a lot of research about cigs and recovering alcoholics - some say that they make you crave alcohol more - in my case, I believe it. I had cravings the last few months or so but none since then! A lady at my Saturday meeting went to a smoking cessation conference and was told "you aren't sober until you've quit smoking." I don't really buy that but I know I do feel better - and that's all that really matters :)

The Cowboys play Seattle this week for advancement to the playoffs - I am cooking some burgers (no buns) and grilled veggies for the game. Sarah will read or do something else while eating good food and letting me watch. She rocks!

So off to work in a bit - I hope to do more resumé research today on Monster and get mine started. There are some really promising leads for Portland. I feel good about it.

More later...

Just Straight-Up Grateful...

2006-12-28T06:59:00.000-08:00

I am working on my 4th step but haven't been able to visit with Joan in a week or so due to the holidays. I'll call her today and set up a time this next week or weekend to go over what I have so far - which is nothing yet ;) Today Sarah is home safe from her folks and I feel blessed - to wake up and have coffee and pet our boys and just have her home. We go visit my mom in Dallas today until Saturday - which will be so much fun! She gets to meet Allister for the first time, so I am really excited about that.

Being sober is the best gift I could every have. I think I needed to be reminded of what my life WAS like - my dreams and Allister's incident were intense. Now I want to focus on what I what I am like now :) I look forward to visiting the Buddhist Center with Sarah on Saturday mornings - here's the place! http://www.meditationinaustin.org/

Be well and have a good lead-up to the New Year - more later!

Allister Gets Away...

2006-12-22T04:45:00.000-08:00

The most amazing thing happened last night. Our good friends, Dina and Jason came over to exchange gifts and as Sarah was letting the dogs back in, Allister (the boxer) slipped out the front door. We all ran after him, but he figured this was a game and turned around to see us and ran again.

He headed toward 29th street, which is a busy throughway and I heard Sarah screaming up ahead. I rounded the corner and saw that he had narrowly avoided being hit by a car. She was able to flag the next car to slow down - but not before they hit him. I saw him get tapped and roll over, then run again.

Everything turned out fine, Jason caught Allister and the girls stopped to help. Allister is miraculously without injury and just as happy as can be - he slept between us as usual last night.

I, unlike the boxer dog, am very much shook up. When I saw him get hit, my knees gave way and I fell in the street. Then I tried to get up and fell again. My knees had no strength. My only injuries were a bruised knee and a couple of cuts on my hand. So I was very lucky - both of us were.

When I got back to the porch everyone was asking if I was OK and processing what just happened. As I was headed to my bath after they left, Sarah and I held each other silently for a while. I told her "something just happened to me" and she agreed but I didn't know what else to say.

Later I figured it out and shared with her. My knees giving way and my falling reminded me of being drunk. And everyone asking if I was OK reminded me of being drunk. Most of all, I felt that in the most important time, I fell down. I was no use to anyone. That more than anything, reminded me of being drunk.

So I prayed last night before I went to sleep and thanked God for letting Allister live another day. I prayed for strength to remain sober and to find peace in this whole thing. This morning I said my 3rd Step Prayer and will talk about all this in my meeting tonight. I have to - we alcoholics don't have the luxury of secrets.

Love to all of you - more later...

Rebel and Such...

2006-12-18T05:05:00.000-08:00

Today I feel tired and woke up with a bad headache. Tonight my plan is to head directly to the alumni meeting and meet with Joan prior to that at 6:30 :) I will be working on my 4th step and will devote 30 minutes a day. I am excited about getting it done and have heard about the transformation that should come. I am embarrassed that I went to the alumni party on Saturday and was clearly feeling down. Rebel could tell when I said I'd be taking off early - "I saw that one coming," she said. Oh well...

The detox meeting at the treatment center went really well! There was a man named Richard that cried and we all made him feel something, which is pretty amazing. Sarah goes out of town for a few days on Friday, I am going to just go to every meeting I can, watch movies at night and devote myself to Nintendo. Anything to not drink - I know I'll be tempted.

Steady as she goes, as the Raconteurs say :).......

Detoxing with Joan...

2006-11-26T06:12:00.000-08:00

Today I meet Joan at AR to chair the Detox meeting :) I am so excited to see everyone staffwise and give back to the place that gave me so much. After that, Joan and I will meet to go over my Step 1 work. I feel it is a little thin but I have really worked on it, so I'll explain that to her. It was pretty hard to come up with things that are unmanageable, believe it or not?

This afternoon I'll hang with Sarah and go thrift shopping etcetera - maybe go by Eternally Bound and visit Glenn to make an appointment for next weekend. Right now I need to eat breakfast and read my BB for my meeting with Joan.

I have been doing OK with Weight Watchers but want to do even better. I plan to go to the meeting next Saturday because I prefer to weigh in the morning. So I have 6 days to kick ass and lose at least 2lbs I hope...

I need to work on my report today - AND finish my resume so I can have Mike look at it this week...

More later :)

Black Friday...

2006-11-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

Last night was pretty uncomfortable - I wish Sarah and I had done TGiving on our own. We went to Matt and Courtney's but the vibe was way off all night. I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Matt's brother and his wife were pretty weird about folks not drinking and their questioning went on a bit long. Then when out having a cigarrette, talk seemed to focus on wine and drinking. It made me miss wine and the cameraderie of being buzzy and with friends. It was not hard to leave that and think of missing my wedding night and waking up the next day sick and regretful. The days of wine and fun were over for me a long time ago - I have more in common with the homeless guys skulking around my house now.

Today is Black Friday and work will be nutso I am sure. I hope to get to visit with my team a bit and work on my resume. I know Sarah is sad about me not going to Portland in February, but I really need to put my bonus toward the debt. I worry about her sometimes - she expects a vacation every few months. I grew up with vacations about every few years and that seems pretty normal. She may have grown up very lucky. For this reason, I don't crave getting away I guess. We'll have to work that out...

62 Days and Counting...

2006-11-22T04:53:00.000-08:00

From November 1, 2006 - I didn't finish it :)
______________________________________

Today I am 62 days sober :) I think I'll pick up my chip tonight at Bouldin. This is the longest I have been sober in 10 years, I'd guess. It's strange, right now I am so thankful I have not had alcohol - I have my coffee and am half-asleep. But there are so many other times I think about a cold beer or glass of wine - especially driving home from work and on Saturdays.

My plan of action is to pray every morning for the obsession/desire for alcohol to be taken from me. I have heard so many AA folks say they have done this and God did so - I am sure he can do that for me too. I know that the obsession will exhaust me and take away my focus on life, rendering me dry drunk yet again. I KNOW this...

My latest assignment from Joan is to make a list of 20 things that I feel powerless over and 20 things about which I feel unmanageable - these are apart from alcohol. This is Step 1:

Part 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
Part 2. Our lives had become unmanageable.

Here's what I have:

I am powerless over:
1. Smoking
2. Sweets
3. Junk food
4. Forgiveness from others after amends have been made
5. My debt - I am in the hole about 10K
6. Shari and her using/behavior - for that matter, ANY friend that relapses
7. The 2nd sip - with God's help I can be relieved of the obsession to take the 1st drink, which is the only time I have "power"
8. Specifically, Mandy/Daniele's feelings about me - all I can do is make my amends when the time comes
9. Sarah's parents accepting who she is (who we are)
10. My agent's desire to succeed - I can only show them to improve, thereby increasing their chances to get badged
11. The world's obsession with alcohol

My life is unmanageable when:
1. I am self-will run riot - I become the "actor"
2. Forget that I am not in control - God is :) This is comforting to me!
3. Life becomes too complicated - right now it should be 1) Pray and Meditate, 2) Work, 3) Meetings after work, 4) Connect with Sarah and pets, 4) Review my day and pray/meditate, 5) Sleep

Working on 3rd Step...

2006-11-09T04:47:00.000-08:00

Feelings and Goals :)

I feel crampy and tired but a bit less irritable than I have been feeling. My goals today are to treadmill, have fun with my agents and go to the 8:00 meeting at LLL. OH and I'll call Rebel and let her know where and when it is so she and Ash can meet me there. I'll call Shari today and check on her too - I can get Chico's email while I am at it.
________________________________________________

I work this Sunday, which will be nice and chill - I always love working on Sunday, but that leaves Saturday as my only day off for the week. I'll see if Alan is and company are watching any football - I could go over and just hang and relax. Other than that, I plan to do nothing at all but laundry and napping with the boys.

I will work on memorizing the 3rd step prayer, which I love because it talks so much about releasing me from self - I have changed the high English to just plain old regular - fits me better :)

God, I offer myself to You-
To build with me
and to do with me as You will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Your will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Your Power,
Your Love, and Your Way of life.
May I do Your will always!

I'll pray to stay sober today and for the obsession to be taken from me - that's the hardest part lately. I really want that shit to go away so I can live my life.

That's it for today so far....

Screwed, NOT Stewed and Tattooed..

2006-10-14T04:50:00.000-07:00

So I am a little concerned that I am slipping back into my old ways. Last Saturday I had to white knuckle most of the day because I was romanticizing and wanting a drink. I used some of my tools - talking to my brain (basically my inner child) and having dessert. The connection I had with God in AR is clearly missing. I know that is from not meditating every morning and letting life get in the way of that relationship. I am excited about working with Joan and renewing my excitement about my program! I call her every day and we just talk about whatever might be going on. We'll meet Sunday and have coffee and talk about the Doctor's Opinion and the fellowship. I'll talk to her about how I can reconnect with God and get back on track. I don't want to "pink cloud" my sobriety but I don't want the old crap either.

I have been going to a meeting every day since I got out of AR but the other night I did leave early, despite the fact that it was a good meeting. Today Sarah is going to Horseshoe Bay so I have the day to myself. I plan to use that time to relax and visit with God, working my myself and my sobriety. I don't want another Saturday spent wishing I wasn't an alcoholic.

Today I am going to get my tattoos touched up and get my koi worked on at Eternally Bound. I'll have lunch at Souper Salad before that and I'll run and get my hair trimmed. After my tattoo appointment, I'll come home, do laundry and watch some college football. OH I'll make a Target run to use that old gift certificate and grab a lunchbox.

At some point today I'll go for a walk somewhere. Maybe I'll just walk up to campus and enjoy the weather - or window shop the drag. I'll take my Big Book and study to get ready for my meeting with Joan tomorrow. I'll check the schedule to see what meeting I want to hit also...

Most of all, I'll ask God to keep me sober and smoke free for today. And I'll ask him to keep Shari and Sarah safe.

More later....

Maintaining...

2006-10-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

Yay, Friday! Tonight is the awesome NA Friday night meeting down south. I'll hopefully get to see some folks from AR, including Melinda and maybe run into Mandy Flynn. I am a little worried about John as my sponsor, I have to be honest. I cancelled on him last night because Sarah wasn't up to dinner. He is gone 3 days out of each week too. Mostly, I think John will be a good friend but not hard enough on me as a sponsor. I really need that. I plan to meet him Sunday and I'll explain this to him. It may just not be a good fit sponsorwise. Because I am a lesbian, I can't have a female sponsor and a gay man would really be the best. It may be that I can find one at Northland too. I'll talk to Karen and some other folks at NA tonight and get their ideas as well.

That is really what is on my mind - I am anxious to get these steps started. OH and I'll bring my stepwork with me to my meeting with John so he can see it. Might give him some ideas where to get going....

More later...

Fresh from Rehab...

2006-10-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

So I have been out of Austin Recovery for 5 days now - almost a week! Sometimes I can't really believe it! I have been to a meeting every day, but have passed on Aftercare. I didn't really dig it and it doesn't fit with my schedule so I will just go to meetings all the time and work with John. Speaking of - things I haven't done that I said I would and will remedy RIGHT NOW:

1) Call John EVERY day
2) Journal every day (the reason for this blog)
3) Meditate every morning
4) Exercise every day

I will give myself a little break on the exercise and diet - I am joining Weight Watchers again Saturday and will walk in the mornings starting next week with Sarah. But meditation, calling and John and journalling must be done daily to keep me sober and free. I am excited because tonight's meeting at L&LL is a good one and Sarah is coming with me. After that, we'll go to dinner with John and his boyfriend, Chris - I have been promising to do that forever and hadn't done it. And tomorrow's NA meeting south is my favorite - Mandy Flynn is there and I'm sure I'll see Melinda. I'll email both M and Shari today. I worry for Shari but feel good that I got her out and to a meeting Tuesday. Especially since there were so many other things I wanted to do that day - go to my own meeting and relax.

I have been feeling tired at night and I know that is because I have not been exercising and eating my WW food. I KNOW I'll have more energy once I do that. Overall, I feel good - I have flashes where I feel sadness or lament over not drinking, then I slap myself mentally. I think of all the fun things I'll get to experience coming up! Thanksgiving and Christmas and FALL! This year, I'll walk 37th street with Sarah and coffee again like last year, but not be dry drunk. That alone will be a relief. I remember several years ago, I went with Dawn and we drank Schnapps - we were obliterated. Horrifying....

I plan to call Golden Apple this afternoon and ask if Mandy will be in - I might be able to get my tattoos touched up that day before we go to restorative or to alumni - depending on what we want to do... I know I'll see her Friday but don't want to talk business with her at NA. I hope I'll see Melinda there too!

Saturday will be fun at the AR Reunion party - Sarah is going with me and I'll be a roadie! I'll be helping the band move equipment around, etc.

More later...