Doing ok...

The last week has taken YEARS off my life - ha. Sarah came home late from going out and I told her I drank. She left and said she was going to stay with our friend, Dina for the night. I didn't hear from her most of the next day and went to get a hotel room. Turns out she stayed the night with a co-worker she's been interested in for a while. I asked if anything happened - it did.

She assured me that she won't put herself in a situation that would "disrespect" me again. Kenny (the co-worker) is pretty much in love with her and I think he's a good guy. She said she is attracted to him and in another time could maybe be with him. But we go from me leaving to staying to leaving again - in between there is horrid amounts of crying.

Some things I understand: that everytime I drank she felt alone and in between I pushed her away. I withdrew and just kept thinking I would feel better, which I didn't. I realize now I was stressing Friday about she and Kenny - she had told me she was going out with workfriends for drinks. I am so stupid to have slipped over it - but here we are.

Last week one night she left her car at work after going out for an official work function - she got in about 2am from drinking with friends, including Kenny. He came to pick her up and take her to work the next morning. I saw them together standing and they make a beautiful couple - ha. They really do...

I talked to my best friend, Alan last night and I can stay in his junk room. I'd need to buy a futon to sleep on but I figure I'll need one for the move out anyway. It hurts and it will for a long time but I know we've had such a bad time for so long. And now I am obsessed with Sarah and Kenny and what they did, his hands on her, etc.

Her friend Dina feels we should split too and I think she's right. I don't see getting past this for me - and maybe it's time to cut our so-called losses. I read stuff online about people getting over infidelity but I don't know if I ever will. And I don't plan to ever be with anyone again - I am terrified of this happening again.

Tonight I am going to a good meeting and telling of my relapse. I pray a lot too - I cried as I tried to fall asleep on the futon last night and begged God to remove this pain. I know he will with the gift of time :)

More later...