I moved over to Dina's and Jason's house on Monday night - it's empty because they are going to start work on it in April. They're renting a little house now. It's lonely there but I am sober, smoking cigarettes and watching a lot of TV. I didn't hear from Sarah until late last night to say she was out with friends and wanted to know if I wanted to come out. I told her "no" and that if she was with Kenny, we were over. The reason for that is that this "time away" is supposed to be for her - she is supposed to take a break from Kenny and me.
She called crying and said she was out with many workfriends, including Kenny. I told her it's over - I can't live like this. She said she cannot believe I am doing this and that most people would understand her needing to take a break after my relapses and distance from her.
I asked her if she wanted to be with me. She said she wants to be happy with me. So I went home and spent the night - just slept in our bed with her and thought we had reached an agreement that I would come home and we would start working on us. I got up this morning and she was distant. I asked if I should stay at Dina's/Jason's and she said "maybe." Then later she said she was thinking about moving to Portland for school and that I would stay behind - there is no point in uprooting us. She could have "Sarah" time.
I thought I knew what it was to hurt but I have never been in anything like this. I miss Sarah so much - her skin, her scent, her hair. I miss her gestures and smiles. I... just miss.
I hurt and I miss my home. I know I need to give her time but I also want to be good to myself. I honestly don't know what to do. I am afraid she'll never tell me it's over and I'll wait and pine. I pray a lot for peace for us both. I'll keep doing that.
More later...
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2 comments:
It'll pass. Drink and drugs won't change that except tomake the agony of waiting seem longer and/or rougher.
Take it steady. I know it ain't easy.
Been there. Done that. Am now selling the tshirts.
;-)
hmm. tough one. lots of meetings. lots of coffee after meetings. it will heal your battered heart to bein the company of other alcohlics that can love you by helping you to stay sober. its a different kind of love than what you had with sarah, but it is JUST as real. stay close to the programme and meetings. it helps take your mind off this anyway. any distraction is a good thing! there is nothing worse than thinking self obsesed, embittered circular thougths about a situation in the past that you cannot change. we are so good at being obsessed! I LOVE reaching out to new people because it takes my mind off my own very real preblems. it is very liberating and healing. you can find people newer than yourself to help if you keep your eye out for them in meetings. hang in there! music helps too. i know its a bit!!! naff but stuff like this helps http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NP2Z7glIumg
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