Today I am grateful to be sober - 18 days today. I like my new gig at Apple - same company but a different management job. It really takes my mind off my life at home, which isn't so great. Sarah and I have agreed to stay where we are and see how things play out. It is hard but I really have no choice - I love her so much.
I am working on a new list of things I am powerless over (other than alcohol) - one of them being her feelings for Kenny and what happens to us. I feel relief when I give that to God, because there really is nothing I can do about it. I need that peace. So here is what I have so far - with the text of Step One to start me off:
Part 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
Part 2. Our lives had become unmanageable.
1. Smoking - ugh
2. Anything regarding Kenny
3. Sarah's feelings (or lackthereof) for me
4. The weather
5. My feelings - I can only have power over my reactions and get my ass to a meeting ASAP
In many ways, I am so tired of living in fear. This last few weeks has been excruciatingly lonely. The most difficult part is that the couple of times I have tried to leave, my heart just breaks and I stay - that may not be the best thing for either Sarah or myself. It feels like a death to leave this place.
I talked in therapy a long time yesterday about how I want to run - so far away that no one can find me. I could go work in California or Cork, Ireland. I would talk to work folks and my family but no one else. I dream about it sometimes - the problems is I always have to come home to me. Me = memories.
It's hard to be with Sarah at night - wanting to hold her and be held and touched but feeling wrong to ask. She spends time with Kenny - they are buds - I wonder what she says about me and what he advises. Also she says she got supportive emails from some mutual friends. I am sure my drinking was the reason for the outreach of support but her "situation" with Kenny was not mentioned. It makes me angry but I'll take the blame. I'll just take the blame and keep going...
I am very tired today - I'll write more later and give Joan and Rebel a call...
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5 comments:
Stacy, Stacy, Stacy -
my love: don't torture yourself with what he MIGHT say and what she MIGHT say about you. Who cares? In a nice kind of way...it's none of your business. Why fry your mind with it?
^^ I mean that in a loving kind of way. My first sponsor told me the same when I agonised over my ex partner...where is she, how is she, what does she think of me now etc, etc.
Well done on 18 days. Very, very well done.
That's a big "Well done" shout-out all the way live and loud from London.
Take it easy.
:-)
love and stuff from
(the other) Kenny
x
You are my hero, Kenny - thank you so much :)
ah bless. Kenny's right. what other people think of us is none of our business. what you're going through is TOUGH. I'd love to be optimistic about the long term viability of this old relationship, but I'm not, I think that it's REALLY hard to admit defeat with something like that. Been there done that!!! It brings up all sorts of desperation and fear of being alone. Yuk!! Its not easy. All I can tell you from my own experience, is that the longer you 'stay' with something that isn't working, the MORE pain there is to deal with when you finally do separate. Being rational and objective isn't even slightly easy in these matters. but life has a way of 'educating' us into submission. Resistance is futile' as they say. We have two choices, either we capitulate to the wisdom of our feelings, or we are 'bludgeoned into humility by pain and unremitting suffering'. Bleh!
'Simple but not easy' Too bloody right!!
Good luck Stacy! Hang in there! Keep close to AA and whatever other support you have in your life.
KEEP COMING BACK and all that old guff.. heheh
Helloooooooooooooooooo?
What's happening, Stacy?
K x
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